I am two hours away from my first book launch. Before you get all excited (okay, yes, that was a little presumptuous that my book launch would get anyone else excited), let me clarify…

Almost two years ago, I began a 9 month writing course called “Get Your Book Done!” Had I actually followed the structure and jumped in with both feet – and stayed in with both feet the whole nine months – I would have my book done. As we all know, based on my blog a few weeks ago, that is not actually the current situation.

However, my fear and flakiness aside, one of the fun parts of the program is the chance to be included in a published anthology with other writers from the program. So, while it wasn’t anything like a blind call for submissions where my piece was so jaw-droppingly poignant, funny, and life-changing they just had to publish it, it is an actual, real book. I even have a copy (or five) on my bookshelf. If the mood every strikes me, I could sign one and foist it on an unsuspecting person in a coffee shop (if those are ever a thing again).

To get to the point where there was cover art and a table of contents with my name in it, there were a lot of emails, edits, compromises, and more edits. There was copy editing, fact checking, proofs to review. It was a real thing.

And now, that real thing is about to launched into the world. And I have three minutes – three whole minutes – to read a very, very, very tiny portion of a much larger piece to a live audience I won’t actually be able to see and hope this small snippet makes them wonder “what next”… and maybe they buy this anthology to see the larger piece… and then maybe they find my website… and then they subscribe… and then I have 17 followers… this is serious stuff, my friends!

So while I can’t see them (not a Zoom thing apparently), they can see me, from the neck up.

Do you see where this is going yet?

My first instinct was to rip my closet apart to find the absolute perfect dress, with a flattering neck-line and solid color to not upset the video feed, and accessorize with hair, make-up, and the proper sexy boots. I was even going to try and find a still-functioning lipstick that hadn’t dried up since last March when lipstick became obsolete because it kept getting my masks dirty.

Because even if ‘they’ can’t see me from the neck down, I know I feel more confident when I am wearing my full uniform. I learned that after Dave died. I had dozens of meetings with so many people I couldn’t keep track, and at every single one of those I had to appear to be confident, pulled together, and completely rational. That was a stretch… so I found a uniform that worked for me, and it always included red curls, good lipstick, and killer boots. If I looked the part, it was easier to act like it was real.

So, of course, that’s where I went today. And in fact, at this very moment, my curls are drying, I’ve sharpened my lip-liner, and my favorite boots are on the floor of my bedroom. I know I can do this. I have a lot of practice looking the part. And if you ever see the piece I am about to read for the launch this will make even more sense.

But then, I had this absolutely insane thought. I mean it is so not-okay that as soon as it ran across the video monitor I have in my mind, I began to worry about my own sanity. One of those things that when it flits across your consciousness the voice of reason in your head says something like, “what the hell is wrong with you???”

Except this time, I sort of told that voice to shut up. Loudly. She is starting to seriously piss me off these days.

What if, just because I could, because no one can see me from the next down…. I showed up completely naked?

Except maybe a well-placed scarf in case the webcam droops unexpectedly.

While I agree, there is probably a more rational and well adjusted middle ground between full dress uniform and unintentional soft porn, I’m not sure I care at this point.

And, looking at the clock, I have 28 minutes to make this decision.

This may get interesting…